Tales of the African Hammer

Day Three...

2007-04-18T05:54:57Z

I have had my lower body program worked out for me now. And I thought that the upper body was tough. The stairs to work never looked so high as they did today.

As part of this diet I had to take a photo of myself wearing a pair of shorts. It was a horrific and humbling experience. I really did not like what I saw in the mirror. I looked deformed. How the hell can Sarah find that body attractive. I am more lucky than I know.

Still, it gives me more drive to get it sorted. I was able to resist temptation today quite well. I feel good for that too.

Now if only I had achieved more work.

Still, time to head home in a minute. Looking forward to seeing my darling. Stuffed peppers for tea. The recipe sounds delicious.

Catch you later.

Paul

Once more into the breach, dear friends...

2007-04-16T03:34:51Z

Here I am once more. On day one of a new diet and exercise regime. Hopefully this time it works better than the last umpteen million times I have tried. It has started well. I made it to the gym this morning and I have stuck to my eating plan. But already the cravings are kicking in... What I would do for some hot fries...

But this time I have someone to support me. Someone who says she wants me to live a long and healthy life as my weight (and family history of heart disease) worries her. She is a wonderful woman and myabe with her help it will actually be possible to turn my personal habits around. I have learned one thing from my many failures: Changing your habits is a hard thing to do; especially when you try to do it on your own.

So here is hoping. I will keep you posted. I would put up my "before" photo butyou would all begin to vomit into your keyboards. Instead I shall wait until I have an "after" photo to offset the horror.

All the best

Paul

fedoranz @ 2006-09-10T08:57:00

2006-09-09T20:57:10Z

Need I say more?

What D&D Character Are You?

2006-09-09T10:28:07Z

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Fighter Bard

Alignment:
Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Deity:
Lathander is the Neutral Good god of spring, dawn, birth, and renewal. His followers believe in new beginnings, and work for the betterment of all. They have no preferred weapon, but they typically wear plate mail and a shield, with red and yellow tinting. Lathander's symbol is rosy pink disk, typically cut from rose quartz.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

A seemingly simple question

2006-06-15T20:07:25Z

Where am I in the world and how do I relate to the world around me? Not an easy question. Posed in class today by Lani it bears some thinking. Especially in light of the “systems thinking” discussed in that same class.

So the first, seemingly easier, question: Where am I in the world? At its simplest level, Hataitai Wellington New Zealand would make for an answer. Obviously this facile level of thought is not what Lani is expecting from me. Where am I in the world? I am a student about to graduate (hopefully) and about to turn thirty (in all probability). I am at a point of change in my life and so my place in the world is going to change as well. My effect on the world around me is about to change in direction and, hopefully, magnitude. For the past three years I have had a lot of decisions made for me in terms of the scope and nature of my activities. That is about to change. Where to from here is a question that I have not put much thought into to this point and it is something that I fear I should put more effort into; sooner rather than later. I would hate to run into November at full speed and then come to a screeching halt due to being unprepared for the opportunities available to me; or worse, making a choice based on limited options because I did not spend enough time exploring for more opportunities. But I digress from the question. Where am I in the world? I am becoming part of a community of artists who are in turn part of society at large. Perhaps I should be looking at where that group is in the world as a whole to in turn be better able to define where I am?

In New Zealand society artists seem to be perceived as being near the bottom of the social ladder, a burden upon their harder working fellows. Certainly life as an artist in this country is a lot harder than it needs to be. People are constantly leaving either the industry or the country for better options elsewhere. To stay in the game you really need to be passionate about what you are doing. So what you have is a small dynamic passionate and creative group who are willing to push themselves hard and confront questions that other members of society would find difficult to contemplate or not even conceive of without prompting. Artists seem to deliberately question the norms under which society operates; to explore other ways of doing things; to pose the question ‘what if…?’ without hesitation. And once they have raised these questions they then go out and try to get people to come along and participate in their explorations as an audience. The best of these artists encourage the general public to take these questions home and try to answer for themselves.

So artist could be said to be a group of energetic people that encourage the rest of society to question their normal way of thinking/behaving; sounds dangerous. And I am striving to be part of that group?

Changing your habits is hard...

2006-04-19T08:32:20Z

I had a good five weeks. A very good five weeks. Good food, good exercise habits, good sleep. Then the short film hit like a ton of bricks from hell and it all fell apart. Ten days of no exercise and shit food. And now I feel like shit again.

Time to start over.

Again.

Fuck.

Time for an update...

2006-03-19T02:33:28Z

Here I am at the end of my second week of diet and exercise. I am still a little stunned at what the scales told me this morning. 124kgs... that means I have lost 4kgs in 2 weeks... And I still have 10 weeks of the diet programme to go. Thats a very scary thought. I mean, if that rate of loss continues I will be a weight that I have not been since I was 21 years old.

I find that very thought provoking. The first thought it provokes is that none of my clothes will fit! Still, I suppose there are worse prices to be paying for health. And I have to remember I am not there yet. Visualisation is an important part of attempting to change a decades worth of habits. The trick is to keep it as visualisation and not cross over into self delusion.

No matter. Back to the huge assignment I am supposed to be working on that I am studiously being unstudious about (Yes, that's a word... now.).

All the best to my fellow slackers out there.

Big P.

Day three...

2006-03-07T20:56:15Z

...and things are still progressing. Made it to the gym both yesterday and today - though it was nearly impossible to actually get up this morning. Was so tired yesterday I actually made time for an afternoon nap for two hours. That is very unlike me. I think it is going to take some time for my body to adjust to this new regime. And I still have not mastered the art of going to bed on time. Still, one step at a time.

In conclusion, feeling sore but feeling good too. And with this 6 times a day eating thing it seems as if I am always eating. Hunger does not seem to feature much in my day which is cool.

Anyway, big day today. Got a production meeting regarding money matters for the short film I am working on. Nobody wants to spend any money but they all want to get paid as much as possible leaving nothing for the film... Sigh. The never ending battle between financial realities and artistic integrity...

See you later.

Big P.

128kgs...

2006-03-06T09:22:04Z

Day one, gym visited and eating plan successful. Arms really sore and am completely exhausted. Going to bed...

I have been thinking...

2006-03-04T07:52:44Z

...and no, my name is not Prebble...

One of the things I have been thinking is how much I enjoy Battlestar Galactica. Fantastic show. Took me a while to get into it though as I did not see the mini-series that spawned it and so I had to play catch up with what the hell was going on for several weeks. I have also been thinking that I, throughout my entire written history, if you will forgive the awful pun, have a sever tendency towards the writing of convoluted and lengthy sentences. There, I did it again. I need to stop. It makes me come across as a far greater prat than I deserve to come across as.

I need to stop many things. One of the things that I need to stop is my lifestyle. I work too much. I sleep too little. I eat far too much shit. I spend way too much money. And I work for free far too often.

That's a lot of things to change. So I thought I would go out and buy a gym membership. It took me three weeks from the decision to the action but $250 later and I have a swipe card to get into the gym. That was Friday. Monday morning I am going for the first time. I have a fitness and fat assessment on Thursday morning. I am not looking forward to that. And I have booked myself in for another assessment in four weeks time. And I have paid for that one already. $50 gone, whether I frequent the gym or not. And since there are some things that I hate to waste money on - mostly in the form of wasted opportunities - I have a bit of an incentive to turn up to that assessment and walk away feeling better about myself.

I can hope.

I am also sick of being single and being broke. I think my work habits and physique - even a terrible physique is still a physique - are the main contributing factors to that one. So I have resolved to work for money less often and work on my health more often. There is something wonderfully balanced about that view. By taking energy from one place where I spend to much of it I have the freedom to put more energy into a part of my life where I am not putting enough energy at all. It is all a question of balance and for the last 10 years I have allowed my life to get very out of balance. Time to spend the next ten years undoing all that damage that I have done to myself and to my life and to get myself back on track.

Rereading what I have just written two thoughts come to mind. Firstly, and most pleasingly, there is a total lack of finger pointing. I am not blaming people who have caused me harm or created situations where I have allowed harm to come to myself. I am taking responsibility for my self abuse in those hard parts of my life. And I think that that is a very good step in the right direction. It is not really something that I have been able to think about seriously without trying to lay some of the blame with someone else. There is no one else to blame. Just me. And secondly, again, I write terribly convoluted grammatically questionable dribble most of the time!

No matter, my point is made and it is time to move on. Tonight I am working on the circus that has come to town better known as the World Wrestling Federation (?). Huge slabs of walking beef jumping on top of each other and spraying sweat and blood onto the $500 front row seats.

Oh joy.

Footsore and tired...

2006-02-13T06:24:13Z

I spent the entire day today walking around the botanical gardens here in Wellington. Got a job to audit the lighting systems in the park as the city council has absolutely no idea what facilities are currently installed. Unfortunately it means walking down every single sodding path in the 64 hectares of bush. I have covered over 30 kilometres today. And I have around the same to cover tomorrow if I am going to finish on time!

So an early bed. But first, a very long hot bath!

It lives....

2006-02-11T00:36:55Z

Despite tumours to the contrary, reports of my death have been grossly exaggerated. I have survived the past month in the desolate wastelands of the unconnected and analog. Telecom has taken nearly 4 weeks to get the phone hooked up to my new address (gorgeous views, photos shortly) and I am still waiting on ADSL so while I finally have access to the internet again dial up is like taking a thirstly man and chaining him up in front of a fountain and the only way he can drink is by catching spray on his tongue as the water sprays up in front of him. Evil.

Onto the phone once more to see if I can hurry up the mollasses-like process.

Ciao.

fedoranz @ 2006-01-16T22:24:00

2006-01-16T09:24:17Z

I have just spent five days working with a professional dramatic group workshopping a production of The Odyssey. Fascinating stuff. Sadly, as part of my AV designer job requirements my poor PC had to make the trip into the theatre - and this is the horrible part - where there was no internet...

I have been having withdrawwals. Anyway, she is now back in the room and hooked up to the world again and breathing easily and is out of danger thank you very muvh for your concern. I am very tired and heading off to bed, relieved that the PC is going once more.

And tomorrow I leap out of a truss while having - hopefully - learned how to do up my emergency safetly lines properly.

Wich me luck

Big P

What a singer...

2006-01-12T10:22:01Z

Just got back from Caberet (a jazz bar in downtown Wellington) where a friend of mine was singing tonight. I seem to forget everytime exactly how captivating her voice is. Simply remarkable.

Sadly the "sound technician" that the venue gave her to work with turned out to be a waiter who knew where the on switch was. Muddy does not begin to describe the awful murk that was the sound coming out of the PA. I did my best to come to the rescue but without the ability to do a proper sound check of each instrument individually and no headphones to do PFL listens then there is only so much you can do. I have her next gig (two weeks from today) marked on my calender so I can come in and set her going properly.

She told me tonight that I "am too nice" to her. I told her it was all that she deserved. And kept to myself the fact that I would go a long way to go out to dinner with her one night. Maybe someday soon I will work up the guts to ask. By then she will probably be in a relationship again. It would be just my luck...

So to finish for the evening, words to one of the songs she sang tonight which I recorded on my laptop. And if you like the look of them you can download the song here. I have kept the quality of the song low to keep the filesize small (2MB). Enjoy...

I'm feeling mighty lonesome, haven't slept a wink.
I walk the floor and wath the door and inbetween I drink

Black coffee loves the hand me down blues
I'll never know a Sunday in this weekday room

I'm talking to the shadows 1 o'clock till 4
and Lord I know how slow the moments go and all i do is pour

Black coffee since the blues caught my eye
I'll never a sunday in this weekday room

Now a man is born to go a loving
A woman's born to weep and fret
To stay at home and tend her oven
And drown her past regrets in coffee and cigarettes

I'm mourning over morning and mourning over night
And inbetween is niccotine and not much heart to fight

Black coffee feeling low as the ground It's driving me crazy
This waitin for my baby to maybe come around.
Around, to maybe come around. Come around
I'm mourning over morning and I'm mourning over night. Come around, come around.

Drink some coffee with me baby, in the morning baby, in the evening, in the morning baby, drink some coffee in the evening

Black coffee. yeah.

testical testicle, does this thing work?

2006-01-12T06:49:12Z

right said fred - test of deepest sender

Botanical Gardens Photos...

2006-01-11T10:23:17Z

As promised, photos from the Botanical Gardens installation. Expect more in the coming days.

Nice green ferns

An eery streetlight

The duck pond

Close up of leafy things

More ferns

Giant palm tree

Flower beds

More flower beds

The BUBBLE MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spooky tree

And of course lets not forget the essential tools when working in the bush...

And now to bed.

Cheers

Big P.

It is very telling...

2006-01-11T05:31:09Z

The number of times I feel the urge to write in this damn thing seems to be directly proportional to the depth of my depressive tendencies. Today has been horrible. Like I said previously Claire and the family seem to have drained some essential energy away from me when they left and I have nothing with which to sustain me.

Ugh. Now an evening of work beckons. I really don't have the energy. Or even a trace of enthusiasm. All I want to do is curl up with a bottle of baileys and fall inside.

Some days I can be really pathetic.

Big P.

I hate flathunting...

2006-01-11T03:20:50Z

I so hate flat hunting. It has got to be one of the most frustrating occupations for students in our wonderful cities. I hates it I hates it I hates it FOREVER!!!!!

Thats better.

Back into the fray.

Big P.

So drained. So tired.

2006-01-10T06:10:17Z

Been flat hunting today. No luck. Lined up 4 places to look at tomorrow as well as arranged work for myself for the coming weeks before school starts again. Should be able to save enough to keep making the rent which is good.

Feeling really drained. It is like Claire, my mom and my sister took the last of the life out of the house with them this morning. Really need to move. Running short on time now and am starting to get worried.

Just doing a clean up of all the spyware and rubbish on Claire's computer this afternoon. Nearly 1400 separate nefarious items were detected. Goodness alone knows where on the internet that girl has been going. Not sure I really want to know

:-p

Anyway. More work beckons.

Goodnight one and all.

Big P

PS - in other news, Claire's ex from Denmark (the one she jilted me for) is arriving in Wellington tomorrow and wishes to meet up with me. We are going out to drink and curse at the evils of women across the world. Should make for an interested evening...

Echo... echo... echo.... ech....ec....e...e....e..e........

2006-01-09T22:39:18Z

Well, the house is empty again. After having all manners of strange people (also known as friends and family) descend upon me at short notice they have all upped and buggered off again as of early this morning and I find myself alone in the house once more. How very strange it was to have Claire and my mother and sister in the same space for two days. Surprisingly they seemed to get on quite well.

Claire and I managed to get through the time without any dramas which was a welcome relief. I am putting up with a lot less of her shit than I used too and I think it scared her a little to see me stand up for myself. So she has left to go to aussie to spend time with the latest sucker on her long (and growing) list of conquests. (please notice tongue in cheek, I honestly have a better opinion of her than that!) Hopefully she has a great time and comes back in time to catch the start of uni.

Who knows, if this weekend was anything to go by we might actually make this best friends thing work properly without getting all mucked up by the whole "ex" thing. We shall see.

As for the gardens (remember them) they were fantastic. We all went to the opening night on Sunday and had a great time. A picnic and a concert under the open sky. Beautiful. And once night fell the gardens look splendiforous - even if I do say so myself. It will be my duty tomorrow night so I will have some photos to post after that.

As for this afternoon, flat hunting and then work.

Catch you later.

Big P.

Set fleet to alert condition 1!

2006-01-06T10:58:44Z

I was under the impression that my mother and two sisters were coming to visit me on the 16th of January. I based all my work planning, food shopping planning, cleaning schedule and activities awareness around this information. I found out the the 16th is when my sister needs to return to work. So they are arriving in Wellington a little sooner than I planned. Like tomorrow morning.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't mind I am going to scream again...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

Time to panic and attempt to inflict some sense of order upon the disaster zone I call my home and the chaos that is my life and prepare myself for the imminent invasion - I mean arrival - of the beloved relatives.

Wish me luck.

Big P.

Another day, another entry

2006-01-05T06:44:42Z

I wonder how many times I can get away with using that subject line? Let's have fun finding out. Or if you like I can tie you to a chair and beat you senseless. Whichever you think will be less painful for you.

As for me today was another day spent working in the botanical gardens and I spend most of the day climbing and hanging from ropes as I placed lights up very tall trees. I spent most of hte day swaying gently in the not so gentle Wellington breeze and I have been left with the strange sensation of movement in my inner ear, much like after disembarking from a long sea voyage. Hopefully it fades soon as it is very disorientating.

In other news Claire (formerly known as "She") is returning to Wellington on the weekend. I have not seen her in nearly ten weeks. Not sure how I am going to react. And she will be staying with me for a few days while she finds a place to live. Will keep you posted on that one.

Also I have been accepted in a working at heights and fall arrest training course later this month. Three days of deliberately falling off tall objects in an attempt to better learn how not to fall and what to do if I or someone I am working with happens to fall. Should be interesting. As long as I can avoid falling on my face. If my posts suddenly stop again on the 17th of January you will know that the course has gone horribly wrong. Failing that I will keep you up to date as events unfold.

Anyway, time for a shower and then dinner.

Big P.

New Year and all that gumph....

2006-01-04T07:33:16Z

Well New Year and new entry. Not sure how long since my last one. Going to try and do more this year.

Working in the Botanical Gardens today starting to prepare the Wellington City Council Summer Series Concerts in the Park. Should be cool. Will be posting photos once we start turning things on.

On a personal note: My resolutions (please no mocking laughter as you read this list)

No free technical work this year. People want me to do something they can damn well pay for it.

Keep one night a week open for personal non-work related activity. (Those of you who know me will see what a challenge this will be)

Control my spending; especially on junk food and movies

And then the ones that occur every year; lose weight; save money; get laid every other day; etc; etc; etc.

For those of you who are struggling already with your resolutions (As I am) I wish you well.

Good luck.

Big P.

Well that's it then...

2005-06-14T19:10:29Z

Two years of my life ended last night. The only woman in the last 6 years who has turned my head finally broke things off - such as they were - between us.

Needless to say that I am feeling more than a little upset. I can really feel a long dark road opening up in front of me again. I spent four years in that darkness before Claire shone her light into my life. It has been a turbulent time, and the light has not been the most constant in its brightness, but it has been a source of much solace and joy in my life. The mere existence of such light has made getting up in the morning worthwhile, regardless of how unobtainable that light really is.

All that is over now. The last time I stepped into this darkness it was unexpectedly. This time has also taken me by surprise. The last time I walked in this darkness it nearly swallowed me whole, driving me to the threshold of madness and to suicide. I don't want to go back down that darkness alone. The very thought scares me. I may have survived once, but it took Claire's love to really bring me back to myself. Who know's how long it will be before - if ever - another light shines in my life. One light in six years, four of those yeaars in darkness. I don't think I have the strength for that again.

Sleep last night was a difficult prey, needing to be hunted with care. Several times I felt my fingers grasp its pelt, only for it to bolt away and escape me once more. I am going to get very drunk tonight. I need to.

If anybody encounters this your kind thoughts would be appreciated. Purile of me to ask such a thing but I am feeling rather emotional at the moment and am probably prone to such lapses in my sensibilities.

I hope your day goes better than mine did.

P

What a week so far...

2005-05-18T04:05:31Z

Working on Legends of Maui, a show at the St James Theatre in Wellington. Really big show. Simply huge. And so far as I can tell, fantastic. What it means for me at the moment is long hours, hard work and - since I am a seconding student to the production - no money :-(

No matter. I am having a ball of fun. And discovering that the busses in this city are not too bad. i may just be able to survive without a car, though it will be a pain in the ass...

As for other matters, so fat this week I have managed to be really good during the day - packed lunches, lots of fruit and water. Just that I am letting the side down at night. McDonalds on Monday, and pizza last night. Bad Paul.

Not feeling bad about the lack of exercise because the work is sweaty and hard going. So yeah, maintaining the status quo really.

Have not seen Claire since Sunday. This is the longest we have gone without seeing each other in four months. I am missing her. Think I might drop in unannounced for a little while this evening. Just to say hello, share a bar of chocolate and get my dose of great company. As much as she causes me pain she brings me great joy too.

Hmm.

Paul.